Who's Your Caddy

There is not a chance I will see this movie. Okay, there is a chance when Showtime is showing it on an endless loop (like they currently do with Soul Plane), I will glance at it for a few minutes. But that is it.

It has been panned by the critics for being at best derivative and at worst lazily pandering to the easiest and worst stereotypes about black and white people. If it seems like the people at BET got a production company and this is their first movie, that is exactly what happened.

The real sin of this movie being made (besides the clothes that even Ian Poulter would pan as being over the top) is it probably kills the chance that an African-American version of Caddyshack would be produced. That movie, with the correct script and cast, would be funny. Watch me cast the movie:

Ted Knight/Judge Elihu Smails:
Should be: Samuel L. Jackson
Would be: Phil Morris

With his propensity to do any movie where the check clears (I don't know if he is the black Christopher Walken or Christopher Walken is the white Samuel L. Jackson), and his personal love of golf, Jackson would be an obvious choice. He would never do the movie though; the metric ton of rappers doing cameos would clash with his alleged hatred of rappers taking roles from actors.

Phil Morris (last seen in the stuffy black guy in Wanda At Large) will have to do.

Chevy Chase/Ty Webb
Should be: Ludacris
Would be: Ludacris

Ty Webb's character bridges the gap between the stodgy members and the brash newcomers with his detached coolness. Since Ludacris can actually act (rent Crash if don't believe this) and he has the necessary (I hate to use this line) street cred, he could be that guy. Plus, the catchy tune he records would be the first single off the soundtrack.

Michael O'Keefe/Danny Noonan
Should have been: Nick Cannon
Would be: ?
Nick Cannon would be too old for the role of the teenage caddy. I can't think of a prominent young black actor that would pull off the role.

Rodney Dangerfield/Al Czervik
Should be: Diddy
Could be: Ludacris
Would be: [enter southern rapper here]

Diddy, playing himself, would be an inspired choice. The guy who rides a wave runner in a bathrobe in St. Tropez in real life could easily play the brash new money character. Luda could do it as well, with a Dirrty South flair. With my luck, one of the Yin Yang Twins would be cast. T.I. wouldn't be too reprehensible.

Bill Murray/Carl Spackler
Should be: Dave Chappelle
Could be: Bernie Mac
Would be: Mike Epps

If Chappelle could focus long enough, the role of the crazy greens keeper would be perfect for him. If they wanted to go the crazy old guy instead of the crazy burnted out by THC guy, Bernie could do the job. Of course, it will go to Mike Epps. I think there is an unknown amendment in the U.S. Constitution that states Epps must be in all movies like this. I blame Chris Tucker; if he would have done at least one more Friday movie, Epps would be opening for D.L. Hughley somewhere. Or hosting a BET game show.

Of course, there would be scenes that would make me squirm in my seat:

• The Escalade golf cart with spinning rims
• The video hoochie selling Kool-Aid, shots of Hennessey and White Owl cigars out of the beverage cart. Or worse, Moniqué manning the beverage cart
• Everyone showing up to the movie ending golf battle wearing red shirts and black pants, like Tiger Woods

but hopefully they would be in passing.